I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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