Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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