this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
