What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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