Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
