One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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