Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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