Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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