he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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