I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize