I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize