and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
