I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
