can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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