Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
