I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
