Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
