he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
