are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Randomize
