when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The uberlube is also flammable
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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