I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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