i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
