I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
