before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
