just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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