I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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