There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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