Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize