Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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