Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
