My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
