Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize