she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
