On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
