girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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