remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
