You just made me feel so damn special
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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