by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
