The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
