In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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