Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
