i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Randomize
