rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Randomize
