The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
