You're so nebulous sometimes
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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