did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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