just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize