i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
