i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
