just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Randomize