Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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