Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
