walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
