I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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