Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
