so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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