i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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