tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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