Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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