Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
