I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
