I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
