I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize