chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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